Desire

A man was walking down the street when he caught the scent of fresh bread wafting out of a bakery door. He wasn’t planning on eating anything on his way to work but he bought a loaf anyway and took his time spreading butter and jam on every bite.

In the same building, a few floors above the bakery, two lovers enjoyed each other’s company as the morning sun shone through the bedroom window and intermingled with their bodies and the crisp fall air.

Across the street, a thief with no excuses slipped her hand into her third purse of the day, expertly lifting a wallet filled with pictures of grandchildren and a few credit cards. Moments later, the thief was sitting on the steps of a place of worship shopping on her phone, charging as much as she could to the newly acquired lines of credit.

Inside the holy place, devoted believers prayed and ate a humble meal admissible to members of their faith, preparing their bodies for a day of service to the local homeless community.

Our Desire Spectrum

Our desire spectrum represents all the people, places, things, and behaviors that are attractive to us at any given time. This includes desires for food, sex, relationships, material possessions, experiences, etc.

All of us desire a wide range of people, places, things, and experiences. Sometimes we pursue what we desire and other times we do not. Desire is complicated and mercurial: musical tastes often evolve over time, crushes come and go, and food that sounds good on Tuesday may sound awful on Wednesday. The desire spectrum is fluid, expanding or shrinking as one’s tastes change over time.

The Origins of Desire: Genes and Environment

Why do we like the things we like? Why are we attracted to the relationships we seek out? Why do we want mutually exclusive things sometimes (e.g., the conflicting desires to be single and to be in a relationship)? The truth is all desire is influenced by both biological and environmental factors.

Our genes wire us with instincts and drives that interact with our environment to form our desire spectrum. For example, our environment exposes us to various food experiences that work with our bodies to create our preferences for certain foods. No one is born craving peanut butter or ice cream, but many of us love them. I happen to like peanut butter and ice cream (separately, not together) not only because they feed my body’s desire for fats and sugars but for many reasons including: my taste buds happen to react well to them and eating them is accompanied by warm memories of childhood snacks, dessert with friends and family, and other satisfying food experiences. This does not mean that things I dislike are necessarily attached to negative life experiences. I am not a fan of eggplant, even though I’ve tried it many times and have no particularly negative associations with it. Sometimes we just have no desire for something because of unknown, unidentified, mysterious combinations of genetic and environmental influences.

The search for the reason we desire certain people, places, things, and experiences is problematic in that it is far too narrow. It is better to search for the many reasons we experience desire: we will have a better understanding of who we are and how people experience the world, even if we never discover all of the factors that influence desire.

Unwanted Desire and Mixed Feelings

My clients often beat themselves up for wanting things they don’t think they should want. Usually, it’s wanting things that have hurt them in the past such as drugs, risky sex, or unhealthy foods. I remind them that experiencing unwanted desire and having mixed emotions isn’t a sign that something is wrong with them, it is part of being human. When I’m at work (doing a job that I love), there’s usually part of me that wants to be on a beach somewhere. I often want more items on a menu than I could ever eat. I’m attracted to my wife and also attracted to other women. Rather than beating ourselves up for wanting things we can’t—or believe we shouldn’t—have, let’s accept that as the norm and instead focus on how we respond to desire.

Our Action Spectrum

Our action spectrum represents all conscious attempts to fulfill a desire. Eating when hungry, painting when inspired, and having sex when aroused are examples of conscious behaviors that fall within the action spectrum.

Because desires can be conflicting or unattainable, the desire spectrum is always larger than the action spectrum. When we take the time to be mindful of our desires, we discover that we want more than we can have. This means that when we choose to fulfill one desire, we are deciding not to fulfill another. We listen to one song even though we still like the sound of others. We get together with one friend even though we love our other friends, too. We simply cannot act to fulfill all of our desires.

Our Right Action Spectrum

Our right action spectrum represents all conscious attempts to fulfill a desire that are consistent with personal values, morals, beliefs, and priorities. Thus, behaviors that fall outside the right action spectrum represent conscious actions people believe to be inappropriate or regrettable. An individual may not always see action outside of the right action spectrum as morally wrong, it may simply be inconsistent with personal priorities (e.g., cheating on a diet). 

Setting Boundaries: Unfulfilled Desire can be a Good Thing

Desire is something that involuntarily happens within us, how we consciously act in response to desire is our choice. To be clear, how our body responds to desire (e.g., hunger, sexual arousal), is not a choice. What we have control over is how we react to desire and the body’s involuntary responses to it. Sometimes our ability to choose how we respond to desire is clouded by unexpected circumstances or poor boundaries. When I work with clients, I remind them that it is easier to consistently live according to personal values, morals, beliefs, and priorities when we avoid temptations to act outside of them. People who want to be faithful to their partner might want to avoid spending time alone with other people they find attractive. People who value wise spending could benefit from avoiding stores that sell items they cannot afford. People prone to abusing alcohol would be wise not to go to bars. Drawing boundaries between us and our unwanted desires is not a sign of weakness, it is evidence of wisdom.

This is how the desire and right action spectrums would look for a married person who remains sexually monogamous. While sexual desire for others is present, sexual actions are reserved for the spouse.

Healthy People Think Long-Term

Healthy choices are often made when we prioritize long-term comfort more than short-term pleasure. When we fail to consider the long-term, things like drugs and risky sex begin to sound like good ideas—they can just feel so good over the short-term. When we live a healthy life, we say no to short-term highs that come at the expense of long-term health. Prioritizing our long-term over our short-term leads us to eat enough rather than too much, get off the couch and exercise, save money rather than spend it, and do many other wise and healthy things.

These two sets of concentric circles represent the desire, action, and right action spectrums of two individuals. The person on the left has near congruence between action and right action spectrums. People with action and right action spectrums like this rarely act outside of their values, morals, beliefs, and priorities. They are able to do this because they have drawn healthy boundaries in their life and regularly prioritize long-term health over unhealthy short-term pleasures. The person on the right has significantly incongruent action and right action spectrums. People with action and right action spectrums like this commonly act outside of their values, morals, beliefs, and priorities. In all likelihood, they have poor boundaries and seek out short-term pleasures regardless of whether or not they are healthy in the long-run.